Self Respect…

I know I’ve shared a topic on self respect before, but recently several people asked me about self respect in regards to saying ‘no’, so I thought I would cover it in that context…

Do you respect yourself while respecting others? Interesting question isn’t it?…. I remember being asked this question 30 odd years ago when I went to my first Brahma Kumaris program. At first I thought it was a strange question, but thinking about it honestly for a few moments, the answer was no – as tears welled in my eyes!

This was a huge, painful realisation and just one of 1000’s of steps I would be taking towards reclaiming my power. I became aware this was a major stumbling block that tripped me up again and again. Of course, I didn’t understand at that point that my people-pleasing behaviour was linked to low self esteem, I just thought it was my duty to make others happy… There’s nothing wrong with wanting others to be happy, but it’s not ok to cross the line into loss of self respect and conformism, in order to please. A chronic people-pleaser – I ignored the warning signs (there are ALWAYS warning signals) as I continued to hand over my power – then wondered why others showed me no respect. I didn’t know I had become a victim of a self created, self defeating pattern. The toxic situations I kept attracting were trying to teach me something about myself – something I had to change within – if I was to gain respect… Today as I sit and write this, I reflect and can now honestly say that yes, I do respect myself while respecting others (well, at least most of the time). When I don’t, I can identify it and get over it much quicker. As I’m preparing to publish my second book on self empowerment, I realise the hard work is paying off – though I have to continue to ‘check and change’ myself… One can never rest on their laurels because self transformation is a journey – it must become a lifestyle – as old weaknesses quietly lie-in-wait, ready to regain their position. Currently working towards a major deadline, I’m challenged to check myself – am I staying in self respect or am I doing too much?… Managing chronic pain is a constant lesson about self respect – I must simply ask others to pitch in – without frustration or without me quietly taking on more than I can manage, otherwise I will resent it and everyone loses!

You see, change is a process and if you carry deep disempowering beliefs about yourself it will take a bit of undoing, so be gentle, patient yet committed to your own self care as a means to transform yourself. It turns out that my beliefs were buried pretty deep under all that people-pleasing stuff – along with my self respect. It was up to me to dig it out, which meant I had to first dig out the ‘yucky stuff’ that I neatly tucked on top of all my power. I may think that I respect myself, but my life and relationships will reflect whether I truly do or not… How can I possibly be showing self respect when I compromise my own value in the pursuit to please others – in the pursuit to fit in, in the pursuit to be liked? How can I possibly create healthy interactions with others based on my own thinly veiled illusion and distortion.

My actions will always reveal the true me… No use expecting others to respect me when I compromise self respect, the second someone wants something from me. If I say no but I continually do it anyway, I will very quickly teach others that it’s ok to shift the boundaries – I will teach them how to treat me and will actually give them permission to dictate the terms. So check how others treat you – don’t sugarcoat it – just simple truths – it will reveal how you really feel about yourself. Say yes when you can and say no when you can’t – no excuses, no explanations, no justifications, no apologies, no anger, no aggressiveness, no guilt – a simple yes or no, that’s all. That’s how you build self respect, one tiny step after another – but keep going because disrespect is just waiting for you to fail – don’t let it win!

So now I ask you to ask yourself…

– Question: Do I stay in self respect while respecting others?

– Consideration: Where might I compromise myself? Why?

– Activity: Next time someone asks you to do something – stop… breathe… and check yourself – before compulsively saying yes. If you want to and are genuinely able to, then by all means say yes… But if you can’t or don’t want to – check yourself that it’s not out of resistance, defiance or pay-back but simply because you are unable to – stop… breathe… then with courage and self respect, say no! Stepping out of our comfort zone can be uncomfortable. Those used to being pleased by us may challenge our new resolve – remember, that’s their job – so don’t collude, for to collude in other people’s disempowering behaviour serves no-one. Self respect means to rise above it with love and compassion – for myself and for them 🙂

Happy March, Love Annemarie